I may be going back into treatment, well, what I should say is I’m signed up to go into treatment, but I’m not really sure I want to go. Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist and she updated me with what the programs she reached out to said. Apparently, I’m too mentally fucked up for addiction and so-called “dual-diagnosis” programs, but too much of an addict for mental health programs.
The one I was really hoping to go to because it is really close to my house said they didn’t think I’d be a good fit because they don’t deal with addiction at all and they wouldn’t want me talking about “sober living” and such in a mental health group, which is fucked up, but I get it. A lot of the other places weren’t really good, or had 6+ week long waiting lists, or I’ve already had bad experiences with them.
But, my therapist was told to check out this PHP program, she read about it and thought “that’s Tiffany, that’s what she needs.” The funny thing is, I was in this program nearly 10 years ago, but I was too much of a pissed off teen to absorb much. I do remember really liking the place, and you get a lot of individual therapy, which is majorly lacking in most programs, and even my pissed off teen self wasn’t completely miserable there.
Sounds great, right? Well, it’s Monday through Friday and starts at 9 am, and it’s at least an hour drive each way through a city. My insurance won’t cover transportation to appointments they don’t cover, so I’d have to drive myself every day. Hiring my own transportation would cost an arm and a leg, staying in a hotel or vacation rental would probably cost a ton as well, the program will be another out of pocket situation, so I’m already spending money every day. If it weren’t so far, I’d be 100% for it, but the driving sounds like a nightmare.
Is it worth it? Do I really still need help just to function? I don’t know, I have kept trying to get back to a good life on my own, but I’ll go through a couple of days of doing really well and think I have it under control, then just collapse in on myself and not do anything. Everything seems so scary still, and that’s honestly embarrassing to admit. It’s been months, and the world still terrifies me. I don’t even know if a program is worth it because the reason I don’t function is because I have no support system, so when I’m cowering in my bed afraid to take out the trash because I think I’ll relapse there’s nobody there to tell me “that’s stupid, and if you do seriously think of relapsing I’ll come over/call immediately.” I know having some structure and a reason to get up and go out in the morning will be good for me, but what happens when I inevitably leave this program? Then what?