Jan. 24th 2019: I’m in a Blind Panic Right Now

Dopamine Darling Help Hand Drowning
I’ve tried to write this post about 4 times over the past 5 hours, but I’m in such a dizzying panic all of my thoughts are disjointed, and I can’t express what I’m trying to say.

I wanted to cancel my therapy appointment today because I have been extra sensitive recently, I decided to go because “shouldn’t going to therapy help when you’re feeling this way? You’ve been dying to talk about this.” Well, that was a mistake. I should have canceled. Typical of my life, whenever I have something weighing on me that I’m ready to sit down and talk about in therapy, that appointment always goes to shit. I don’t mean it’s just unproductive, I mean I feel like I need therapy for showing up to therapy.

I got home around 2 pm (it’s currently 8:30 pm) and after I finished dry heaving for about an hour (just when the chronic nausea was calming down too), I started trying every healthy coping mechanism I know with no luck whatsoever. My heart rate hasn’t even gone down. All those healthy things like deep breathing, meditating, stretching/a shitty attempt a yoga, drinking tea, aromatherapy, etc. all just lead to me flailing and squirming on the floor or in my bed wanting to pull my hair out feeling completely cut of control of my body and mind. I was overstimulated before, but at least things like listening to music were still soothing, now even my favorite songs sound like nails on a chalkboard and make me want to smash every dish in the house.

I feel dizzy, I can’t stand up too quickly without nearly fainting, every muscle in my body is tense and I know I’ll be sore in the morning. My vision is distorted and blurry, I feel like I’m detaching from my body but not quickly enough. Yes, I’ve reached a level of stress where a total disassociative state would be warmly welcomed. I want to wake up convinced today was all just a nightmare.

It’s not a nightmare, and I’m probably going to be pulled off my most helpful meds so any progress I had made is just being thrown in an incinerator and [insert my real thoughts here, because apparently, those are irritating too.] I’m going to lose everything. It sounds like my therapist thought I was going to lose everything anyway because when I said “well what about work!?” their response was “doesn’t sound like you’re going back to work any time soon anyway” which really made me feel great about myself. Not incompetent and useless at all. No.

I just need answers now. Well, I needed them 5 hours ago. What is going to happen to me? What is my fate? I don’t like being strung along like this, it doesn’t seem fair at all, they know damn well I have anxiety and know damn well what they plan to do … I’m just not being told because, IDK, maybe they get some sadistic pleasure over watching me suffer? Why can’t I just be given an answer!?

The best part is, I won’t get answers for weeks! Waiting weeks to know your fate isn’t terrifying at all! No! Plus, you know those other things I mentioned that I desperately needed to talk about? Yep going to have to wait weeks for that too because I have some stupid paperwork that’s going to take up entire sessions. So, by the time I actually get a chance to talk about these things, I will have already internalized it and added it to my ever growing pile of things keeping me from functioning. So I’ll never actually talk about it, and it will go back into the dark corners of my brain, at least until I inevitably relapse. Maybe it will all come out then, assuming I don’t die. I’d rather not relapse, but all this shit that I’m now sober enough to remember or realize is pretty traumatic and weighing heavily on my mind, and the fact that I’m being forced to just push it all deep down inside of me again will eventually break me.

I need some kind of relief or release ASAP. I got kicked out of my usual social circle, my fiance won’t talk about anything important with me, and my family literally kicked me out when I told them I wasn’t safe to be alone. So, what do I do? I guess I hoped by the time I wrote this much I would have calmed down, but I haven’t. I’m afraid my good old trusty unhealthy coping mechanisms will kick in. Let’s see how catastrophic they are this time.

I’m in such a state of panic I can’t even cry, I think it would maybe feel good to cry, but I can’t. I’m completely incapable of crying, I’ve tried.

I just want to be numb and/or asleep. I want this nightmare to end. I want an answer. This isn’t fair!

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