I’m so Lonely Now, Was I Just Entertainment?

Dopamine Darling Lone Pawn
 

I’m lonely. Normally I don’t mind some alone time, I really like my space, but it’s been so long without any kind of consistent interaction that I’m really hurting.

I was kicked out of my work friends group chat, the one that was my idea, yeah I got kicked out of my own group chat by someone I considered a close friend. Ouch. Nobody has individually reached out to me since the day it happened; nobody has checked to see if I’m ok. When that happened I pretty much lost my entire social life. I don’t have a fun group of people to chat with anymore and nobody to motivate me to get back in the swing of things and work again. It hurt a lot.

My other friends just stopped texting me, and when I reach out to them, they keep their responses brief. Even when I’m talking about some lighthearted shared interest, they seem to want to keep their distance. Maybe they are sick of my shit; I don’t blame them.

Even my stupid Facebook doesn’t get any interaction anymore; it’s like once I was no longer in treatment people were like “well that was entertaining, I don’t give a shit about her as a person though.”

Someone was supposed to help me get into going to AA meetings (because god knows I’m not going alone) but they’ve been sick or busy, and I really have lost the courage at this point.

Until today I hadn’t talked to either of my parents for 3 weeks. They tossed me out when I was in need and hurting and then never checked in on me. When I was in treatment my mom used to call me every morning, it was nice to chat; now I don’t even get a text.

Even Phil has been distant for one reason or another. When we do talk I feel like we have the same conversation over and over and avoid the big topics that are eating away at me, I’ve given up hope in some areas.

I’m afraid to reach out to my friends from treatment because I don’t know if they want to hear from me since I’m so stuck, I’m still clean, but I’m not living my best life. I’m also worried I’d upset them if they relapsed, it’s been so long, and I have no way of knowing how any of them are doing because they all stopped talking to me.

It feels like ever since I finished intensive treatment, nobody is interested in me. I went from all day supportive texts to nothing. I’m struggling a lot and when you lose your #1 motivator, your friends’ encouraging words, it’s a thousand times harder to do anything or see the point in anything. If someone could give me 1 task a day, even if it’s just “do your whole skincare routine” or “open half your mail” and make sure I follow through on it would be really helpful. I want to get back on a schedule, but the first time I did that I had my friends cheering me on. I have nobody to hold me accountable. I haven’t found the strength within myself to do this alone; I don’t know if anyone can do this alone. I’m starting to feel like this is all pointless and feel like I wasted a ton of time. I really thought my friends believed in me and wanted to actually talk to me while I got better, but I guess I was wrong, I was just entertainment. That’s my life isn’t it?

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